Woman Claims She Was Served Drink with Little Something Extra

Updated: 9:49 p.m. PT May 24, 2005

PHOENIX, AZ – Police responded to a report from local resident Katherine Demetri that she received a drink that contained a detached human penis.

Mrs. Demetri had been partying at Phoenix male review club, The Scrotum Pole, when she contacted authorities and claimed that the Long Island Iced Tea that she had ordered contained a severed penis in it.

Police quickly dismissed the complaint and arrested Mrs. Demetri for possession of crack-cocaine. It seems that she consumed half of her drink and then inserted a plastic, penis-shaped sex toy into the drink, convinced police would think it was a real human penis.

After she was arrested, Mrs. Demetri gave police a statement in which she admitted that she placed the phallic swizzle-stick into the drink hoping that she could cash in with a big lawsuit against the club.

Police sources said that this is not the first time that the woman has tried to manufacture a lawsuit. She has tried to slap several previous employers with sexual harassment cases, as well as filing a racial discrimination suit against a company that declined to hire her. The judge dismissed the case immediately as he observed that Mrs. Katherine Demetri was in fact white. The judge told her that the company clearly did not refuse to employ her due to the color of her skin; it probably had something to do with the fact that she was an incompetent crack-head, and to get the hell out of his courtroom.

This time, Mrs. Demetri never made it far enough to file a case, as police quickly realized that the member was fake. It turns out that Mrs. Demetri’s drug induced stupor had led her to use a neon pink apparatus with a switch to start the vibrating action, so the officers quickly identified the con.

Police searched the lady and found several crack-cocaine rocks. She was booked on possession, and was back on the streets a half-hour later.

Mrs. Demetri has announced that she intends to file a claim for punitive damages related to emotional pain and suffering that she experienced in the incident. She claims that the officers laughed at her and called her a worthless crack-head, and that has ruined her personal sense of self worth. She claims that the incident has left her without the self confidence to perform in the workplace, and thus the police should pay for her disability.

READ FULL STORY HERE

President Reverses Position on Human Cloning Ban

Updated 1:48 a.m. PT May 23, 2005

WASHINGTON – Long-time opponent of scientific advancements in areas such as stem cell research and cloning, George W. Bush has had an apparent change of heart regarding the ban on human cloning research.

The president has derived much of his past support from the Christian Right as a result of his call for bans on such things as human cloning, stem cell research, and gay marriage to name a few. In fact, many suspect it was his stance on these issues that helped him carry the rural areas of the country in the past presidential election.

The president’s close relationship with the Christian Right makes today’s announcement of a proposal to create a $12.5 billion research grant for human cloning research that much more surprising. His handlers are franticly trying to determine just how today’s announcement will affect the president’s base of support.

President Bush has proposed to spend $12.5 billion over the next 10 years to help further advancements in human cloning. The grant is expected to bolster genetic departments at several leading universities, and contribute to the bottom line of many health-tech companies who donated to the president’s re-election campaign.

In our search to discover the source of the flip-flop in the president’s ideology, we were able to talk with a visually frustrated Vice President Chaney. Chaney said, “The President saw the new Star Wars movie on Wednesday, and ever since he won’t shut up about wanting his own Storm Trooper army. Every day, he goes on, and on, and on, about how cool it would be to have Storm Troopers, and how Storm Troopers could beat the terrorists, and how Storm Troopers would look really bad ass to the Ruskies. It’s never-ending, and now he’s convinced that paying for human cloning research is the way to get himself a Storm Trooper army, so here we are.”

Cheney said that this is the most fired up over a movie that the president has been since The Matrix. Dick continued, “I thought it was bad after the Matrix, I mean for like six months, W. kept freaking out whenever he met a new Secret Service agent, convinced the new guy was an Agent in the Matrix, and I constantly caught him picking up the phone and asking, Morpheous?”

The Vice President stated that in the past, he had to deal with the president wanting to be a swashbuckler after watching Pirates of The Caribbean. And he tolerated his attempt to see if he was a mutant after X-Men, even being amused at one point as W. knocked himself out trying to see if he had the ability to run through walls. “Oh man, it was classic,” Dick laughed, “He was in the hall, looked around to make sure he was alone, then just took off, booking at the wall at the end of the hall. All you heard was this loud crash as he bounced off, onto his backside. George got up real quick, shook his head a bit, looked around to see if anyone had seen him, and then rushed back down the hall and into the oval office. No one saw him for the rest of the day. Evidently he forgot there were cameras in the Whitehouse. I’ve watched that clip like eight thousand times, and I still almost piss myself every time. Good stuff.”

Apparently the president’s handlers were barely able to stop him from making a press release announcing that he would begin building a coliseum and start holding gladiator fights after watching The Gladiator a few years back. All around him were convinced that coming out in support of death-match combat for entertainment would have been a public relations nightmare. They gave him a copy of Terminator 3 to distract him, and the idea was soon shelved as the president lost interest in Gladiators and decided that death-robots were “kick ass.”

Dick Cheney said that the press release can be smoothed over so he’s not too terribly concerned. When asked why he looked so disgusted when describing the president’s childlike concept of reality, Dick said, “None of his past fantasies have involved me, so I never had to deal with it, that’s Condi’s job. Well, after seeing Revenge of the Sith, Georgie is convinced that I’m the Dark Lord of the Sith, and that I won’t tell him about it. All day long, he tries to think of ways to trick me into showing my true identity; it’s just obnoxious. I’m NOT a Sith Lord. I’m just your average well-connected, corporate scumbag, controlling a puppet president to enrich the shareholders of my former company and my friends in the business community. But I’m in no way connected with the Dark Side, that stuff is all made up.”

Cheney believes that he will hear about Sith Lords and Storm Troopers for quite some time, but he indicated he has plans to give the president a copy of The Ring to watch. Dick is hoping that the president will develop a fear of watching movies after seeing The Ring so that these fiascos can be avoided in the future. Cheney said, “I just have to get him to believe that the creepy little girl will come after him if he watches movies, and then it’s over. I’ll probably still have to hear about Storm Troopers, but at least I won’t have to have a heart attack every time he tells me that he saw a new movie that he liked.”

READ FULL STORY HERE

Google Launches New Search Engine

Updated: 7:03 p.m. PT, May 20, 2005

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Internet powerhouse Google announced plans to begin beta testing a new search service designed to assist in the location of quality Internet porn.

Since the beginning of the Internet, 97.2% of the users have logged on to locate pornography, but over the years, the e-porn landscape has become increasingly difficult to navigate as sites are rampant with misinformation and bogus links.

Google's new service aims to correctly categorize the wealth of adult material available on the web. Accurate content labeling will be paramount for the effort, as countless hours of productivity are lost each year from Internet users receiving incorrect results in their endless pornography searches. For example, someone may search for Young Asian Bitches, but instead receive links to girls who look to be from Eastern Europe, or searches for Hot Latina Ass can return girls who are clearly white but happen to have dark hair and dark eyes. Also, users who search for big breasted women are constantly given results that are clearly no bigger than a B cup. Google aims to give users the first porno searching experience guaranteed to return only the action you want, none of the action you don't.

Google is looking for beta users to test the service. Testers will be asked to log incorrect addresses to help the company clean up the directories. As of this publication, 723 million people have applied to help the testing process.

Advertisers are bidding top dollar to have their ads places in the new search service, and Google expects bottom line contribution from the project as early as the second quarter of 2006.


READ FULL STORY HERE

CBS to Begin Production of Fourth CSI Franchise

Updated: 10:54 p.m. PT May 19, 2005

HOLLYWOOD – Seeking to fill out its programming lineup for the fall, CBS has announced plans to begin production of the fourth version of the popular show, CSI.

Prior versions of the show have been set in Vegas, Miami, and New York. In an effort to keep the franchise fresh, the fourth installment will be set in Murrayville, IL, a town with population of roughly 700.

Network executive Dale Miller said, “If you look at our demographics, it is clear that a majority of our viewers are poorly educated rednecks in small white-bred towns. After all, city people have better things to do with their time than watch CSI. We feel that bringing the fourth installment of the franchise to a small, piss hole rural town will give our viewers something that they can personally connect with. We expect ratings for CSI: Murrayville to be the highest yet.”

Writers are reportedly at odds with the decision to set the series in Murrayville, as coming up with unique weekly murder stories in a town with two businesses and zero stoplights should be difficult to say the least. The previous locations have all been large enough to generate a significant number of locations and plots; writers are not sure they can create new weekly twists when every road in the town is connected to each other.

Producers have signed Larry the Cable Guy to play the lead investigator in the new series. Jamie Presley will play his female assistant, and Billy Bob Thornton is expected to play the mysterious Lab Director.

In keeping with the theme of having a different background color for each new CSI location, CSI: Murrayville will be set with a brown tinge. While orange reflected Miami well and blue was a good match for New York, brown was the color that executives felt most summed up the experience in Murrayville. Ironically, no African Americans will star in the new series. Evidently, only whites live in the area, and the producers would like to maintain a sense of realism with the show.

CSI: Murrayville is expected to debut in the CBS lineup in the spring of 2006.


READ FULL STORY HERE

MPAA Report: Amazingly, People Still Pay to See J-Lo Movies

Updated: 7:17 p.m. PT May 18, 2005

HOLLYWOOD – A study released by the Motion Picture Association of America gave surprising statistics that show people are still paying to watch J-Lo on the big screen despite overwhelming evidence that she is in fact a horrible actress.

J-Lo, the dump truck rumped Latino pseudo-star has consistently shown an overwhelming ability to turn an otherwise well conceived story line into film school quality garbage. Watching her past movies has sometimes been compared to torture, and in fact, some of the alleged abuses at Abu Gharib involve forcing prisoners to watch Made in America until they cracked. Incidentally, due to the unusually high suicide rate amongst prisoners receiving the treatment, subjecting POWs to J-Lo films has been banned under the Geneva Convention as a war crime.

It seems that people never started watching J-Lo because they thought she was talented; she just received a lot of publicity by humping Sean, P-Diddy Combs. After viewers became accustomed to seeing her on the red carpet alongside Puffy, they naturally assumed that she was a star and went to see some of her early movies like The Cell.

In the beginning, her vapid performances were masked by otherwise interesting movies, wrapped in impressive special effects. As J-Lo started to believe the hype herself, she selected movies that would focus more on her as the lead instead of digital effects, and the results have been horrendous.

Religious observers believe that that the popularity of the fat-rumped Puerto Rican girl is a sure sign that we are nearing the end of days. They point to her ability to make the world believe that a fat, bloated ass is sexy as evidence to her ties with the Lord of Darkness. Many believe that only a deal with the devil could explain her success.

Witness the destruction wrecked on Kevin Smith’s last movie, Jersey Girl. As the American Public finally started to realize the depth to which Mrs. Lopez sucked, people couldn’t be paid to watch her again in Jersey Girl, and this was despite the fact that the movie contained a scene in which the audience gets to watch that stupid whore get shot and killed.

However, it seems that the memory of the mainstream viewing public is indeed short, as people are once again paying to watch Jennifer Lopez in her new release, Monster-In-Law. Industry observers are stunned to see actual audience turnout for the movie, and said that she is expected to star in several more movies until, “the Schmucks stop paying to see her.”

We were able to talk to Jerry Brockwell as he left the theater after watching Monster-In-Law and he said, “Why does the MTV keep telling me to go see her? I just wasted $11.50 to watch that, and the entire time I thinking about whether I could use the straw on my soda to poke my eyes out, but then realizing that it wouldn’t help because I’d still be able to hear her. I’m sick and tired of all these commercials and television shows making me think that she is going to be entertaining. One more time, and I might have to start deciding what I like for myself. Let’s see how those Hollywood fat cats like that.”
READ FULL STORY HERE

United States Government Accused of Ties to Saddam’s Regime

Updated 5:02 p.m. PT May 17, 2005

WASHINGTON – In response to repeated probes by the Bush Administration into Foreign Government’s ties to the Hussein Regime, new allegations have been launched that illustrate strategic ties between the United States Government and Saddam.


The Bush Administration has frequently criticized foreign governments like France and Russia for having business dealings with Iraq prior to the second US invasion.

In a shocking twist of fate, Russian leaders pointed out the hypocrisy of the situation by releasing evidence that the United States Government had supported Hussein long before the Soviets took interest. In the Iran-Iraq war of the eighties, The United States backed Saddam, giving him military and economic aid.

It was only after The United States decided Saddam was a bad guy because he was trying to take over the Bush Family oil wells in Kuwait that the Soviets decided to have dealings with Iraq. President Putin explained, “This was in a time when USSR and US were deeply locked in the battle of the great cold war. We would have aligned with anyone if it helped to piss off the Americans. For instance, we helped out North Korea to stick it to you guys. Granted, that one has come back to bite us all in the ass, but in the beginning our support was out of spite, I assure you.”

The United States is being blamed for facilitating the business dealings between Iraq and Russia by providing moral justification for the Ruskies to build in Iraq. It seems the logic is that if the US had never had a relationship with Iraq to begin with, the Russians wouldn’t have tried to facilitate their own dealings with Saddam to screw the US, thus the US is to blame for starting the whole spiral.

In a press release regarding the incident, President Bush muttered something about terrorists, gay-marriage, and social security reform.

READ FULL STORY HERE

Markets Tumble on Sky Rumors

Updated: 6.38 p.m. PT May 14, 2005

NEW YORK, NY – The stock market suffered a significant sell off today as nervous traders reacted to the news that a piece of sky had fallen on an intern during his commute to work.

The Dow Jones Industrial average plummeted 251.8 points while the S&P was off 37.2. Shares on the NASDAQ dropped 62.4 points.

Rumors of the chunk of sky falling generated significant downward pressure on the indices. Profit taking by hedge funds also contributed to the fall, as well as normal quarterly portfolio adjustments by Institutional Investors.

The Sky Rumor fed into Wall Street’s fear of an economic slowdown and was seen as a sign of the impending popping of the bubble in real estate investments. Investors became more risk averse and sought relief in treasuries.

The dollar fell against major currencies, as investors saw the chunk of sky falling as a sign that America was overextended on its debt load. Oil finished the day higher, again.

Several companies announced higher than expected earnings, several announced lower than expected, and some companies even met their expectations to the cent. Several press releases were issued to help guide analysts toward an earnings target that the companies know they can beat, and some companies were dumb enough to cut their earnings targets, thus causing a sell-off in their stock and costing Executive Leadership millions on their stock options.

A few analysts upgraded the rating on their stocks in order to have something to go market to the money managers. A select group of analysts downgraded stocks in their coverage to differentiate themselves, but still to have something to market to the money managers.

Some economic statistics were released, some were better than expected, some worse than expected; based on their seasonally adjusted, weighted average forecasts using questionable sample data.

Traders reacted to all the news in a whirl of action as they didn’t really care what the news item meant to them personally, but how they thought the rest of the traders would react.

Overseas markets fell in sympathy as frantic traders learned to the news from abroad.

READ FULL STORY HERE

Dave Chappelle Enters Mental Ward

Updated: 5:28 pm PT

SOUTH AFRICA – Comedian Dave Chappelle, best known for his break out hit, “The Chappelle Show,” has checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa, prompting vast speculation regarding the reason for his meltdown.

Chappelle had began filming the third season of his hugely popular show on Comedy Central when sources say that he became emotionally distressed and disappeared from the set. It seems that Chappelle voluntarily checked himself into a mental health clinic in South Africa. Production of the show has been halted until the situation can be resolved.

News of Dave’s disappearance generated a variety of theories about what may have went wrong. Among the list were drug use, creative differences with the network, and a simple breakdown under the pressure.

It seems that the true problem is much more complicated. Dave Chappelle was one of many black comedians who had built their career on playing The Unappreciated Black Man constantly being held back by The White Man.

In the past year, Dave had signed a $50 million deal with Comedy Central and earned a truckload of cash from DVD sales of his hit show. Dave finally realized that it was hard work and determination that had got him to the top of his industry. It was this realization that brought his self-formed reality crashing down upon him.

In a world where The White Man keeps Brothers down, hard work and dedication still aren’t enough to get to the top if you are born with dark skin. However, Dave was able to get to the top by working hard and being dedicated, and as he looked around at other successful African Americans who had put their noses to the proverbial grindstone, he knew that it wasn’t really Whitey holding his people back.

Now that Dave finally realized that white people weren’t engaged in some mass conspiracy to make his people commit crime, smoke crack, and have thousands of babies out of wedlock, he found himself with a massive case of writer’s block. Being The Enraged Black Man was all he had ever known, so this new reality didn’t provide him with entertaining material.

Chappelle felt that he needed to do something drastic to make himself an outcast again, and since he doesn’t love the cock, becoming a homosexual was out of the question. In a stroke of brilliance, he decided to check himself into the mental health clinic, thus joining the illustrious list of crazy actors.

With his new membership as a crazy actor, Dave can now write comedy about how the normal people are holding down the insane, and how it’s not the crazy people’s fault for the decisions that they make, and how crazy people are born with a disadvantage. Critics are expecting this new twist on Dave’s material to be a huge pop-culture hit. Several of the leading prescription drug companies have signed on as sponsors in light of the directional change in the show, and production is expected to resume in the next few weeks.

READ FULL STORY HERE

Star Wars Debate Ends in Violence

Updated: 7:52 p.m. PT, May 10, 2005

CINCINNATI, OH – The normally tranquil atmosphere of science-fiction conventions was shattered this afternoon when a disagreement among Star Wars fans erupted into a full scale riot.

Police were called in to quell the disturbance and spent more than an hour and a half trying to regain control. In the end, 26 people were brought in on charges of disturbing the peace.

According to witnesses, self-anointed Jedi Knight Buster Fadden began a discussion with wannabe Sith Lord Trent Jenkins regarding the true power of the force. The tension quickly escalated as the two virgins debated dark and light side abilities. It wasn’t long before plastic light sabers were drawn, and a melee ensued.

What would have normally been a simple nerd-fight became an all out war when other costumed avengers decided to defend their respective sides. The room was ablaze with the zhuum-zhuum sound of fake light sabers as math club members twirled amongst each other, slicing and dicing nothing in particular.

Despite the fact that the disturbance lasted almost two hours, only two injuries were reported. It seems that Ike Goodman received a jammed finger, and Eric Youngers sprained his left ankle trying to perform the Jedi Yoda Light Saber Flip attack.

Authorities say the conflict may not yet be over. Message boards across the Internet quickly lit up with flame attacks from fan boy to fan boy. One fan in particular left 78 postings explaining why the Dark Side’s mom, “Sucked.”

The police are concerned about online rumors that the final battle for galactic domination will commence on May 19. It seems that these scholarly street gangs are planning to rumble on opening night of the final installment of the series. Police are concerned that a nerd rumble in public will bring in too many bystanders, hungry for a little old-school nerd bashing.

Officer Dan Bennet said, “It’s one thing when these kids are jumping around smacking each other with their little plastic sticks; it’s an entirely different thing when a couple jocks get in there and start clocking nerd heads against each other. Quite frankly, we’re terrified of the damage that could ensue as a result of this disagreement.”

READ FULL STORY HERE

Creative Sentencing Causes Monumental Misunderstanding

Updated: 2:14 p.m. PT May 9, 2005

BOSTON, MA – Local judge William Griffin, long known for handing out so-called “Creative Sentencing,” created some extremely unintended consequences with a recent verdict he had given to a petty criminal for a routine drug possession.


In the mid-nineties, Mr. Griffin adopted the practice of giving criminals that passed through his courtroom sentences which sought to punish through humiliation instead of prison time. He felt that his unique judgments could be more of a deterrent to potential criminals while helping reduce the strain on an already overcrowded prison system.

In February, Harold Johnson appeared in William Griffin’s court for possession of Crack-Cocaine. Since this was his fifth drug offense, Mr. Griffin decided that jail was obviously not working and sentenced the man to do something that he felt could help in the ongoing war on drugs.

Harold Johnson was instructed to spend the next three months standing in front of local schools with a signboard that said, “If you start smoking crack, you will end up looking like me. Kids, please, please don’t EVER smoke crack!” Mr. Johnson was given a rotating schedule to ensure kids in every school district would get the message.

The judgment went awry when Harold’s journey brought him to a local Catholic School with exclusively white students. An unruly group of six graders decided it would be funny to convince the kindergarten class that smoking crack was the reason Mr. Johnson turned black. Apparently, none of the children understood that people come in different colors, as they had never been confronted with an African American.

The full extent of the damage went unrealized until the annual kindergarten class field trip to meet the Boston Celtics. During a question and answer session with the team, one of the children asked player Gary Payton why he smoked crack. When Mr. Payton inquired as to why the child would think that he smokes crack, she replied, “Because you’re black.”

Her shocked teacher quickly worked to calm the enraged players, but everyone present thought cutting the trip short was probably the best idea. On the bus ride home, the teacher was appalled to learn about the ruse played on her class. The school explained the incident and has issued a formal apology to the team.

READ FULL STORY HERE

Thirteen Year Old Boy Fakes Own Kidnapping

Updated: 9:07 pm PT

LOMPOC, CA – A thirteen-year-old boy’s elaborate scheme to fake his own kidnapping fell to pieces when local authorities received an anonymous tip leading to his discovery. It seems the boy had been hiding in a friend’s house for some time.


The youth had disappeared a couple of months ago, but local authorities only found out about the incident when neighbors alerted them of the boy’s disappearance. It seems the parents of the boy had been receiving crude ransom letters since mid February, but had failed to respond.

The letters continually demanded that the parents give cash payment of $1 million or else they wouldn’t see their child again. In an ironic twist, the parents seemed content with the idea of him being gone, so they just decided not to answer the letters.

The couple’s legal team explained that the boy had become absolutely unbearable as a teenager. The parents were just tired of listening to him complain about how much his life sucked, and how much he hated his family, and how much school sucked, and blah, blah, blah. This was a youth that was living a privileged upbringing but yet still could not be a decent human being around his family, and when Mr. & Mrs. Huckthorn were given a chance to get him out of the house, they took it. After all, the ransom letters never said that the would-be kidnappers intended to hurt the boy, just that they wouldn’t let the Huckthorn’s have him back.

Lawyers for the boy said they he will seek legal emancipation from Mr. & Mrs. Huckthorn. The case is expected to pass through without a problem given the unusual behavior of his parents. The parents will reportedly put up no defense in the case and stated that they are unwilling to negotiate unless the boy, changes his attitude.

The neighbors had suspected the couple of foul play, as they could sense the increasing level of frustration with the boy prior to his mysterious departure. Next-door neighbor Jim Boscotelli said, “At first we thought he was at summer camp or something and we were loving it. We went a whole two weeks without having to hear his loud shitty music; the little punk was always wearing those black shirts that said limp bread or something. Well, after a while, we started to wonder what really happened and called the local police.”

Only after police questioned the boy’s parents about the disappearance did they learn of the kidnapping scheme. The couple had accumulated stacks of letters that were turned over to authorities to assist in the investigation. Within a day of running ads in the local media in an effort to locate the boy, the boy’s friend called the kidnapping hotline in expectation of a reward. Unfortunately, since the parents never really wanted the child back, there was never a reward offered.


READ FULL STORY HERE

83 Indicted in Monkey Porn Ring Bust

Updated: 8:14 p.m. PT May 3, 2005

DALLAS-Across the nation, 83 suspected animal pornographers were arrested as Federal authorities executed a nationwide operation aimed at clamping down on so called “Natural Porn.”

Federal officers served indictments in 19 states and placed 83 people in custody as part of today’s raid. Authorities were able to seize valuable computer records, video tapes, and phone lists that should generate new leads to assist in the ongoing animal porn investigation.

In New Mexico, raiding officers were able to catch one couple in the act of filming a Natural Porn video. The couple had forced two primates to engage in fellatio in front of a camera with the apparent intention of selling the footage online. It seems that arranging live animal sex acts was a frequent activity for the couple, as authorities found stacks and stacks of previously taped performances.

In a press conference, Officer Steve Belen said of the incident, “These twisted perverts had forced those poor animals to humiliate themselves, purely as entertainment. Fortunately, we were able to save the beasts and immediately halted the act. Apparently the male had been brainwashed into believing this was an important trick, as he continued to try putting his genitalia in the mouth of the female primate long after we had cuffed the owners. Truly this is a dark day for New Mexico.”

In a shocking revelation, 81 of the arrested were diehard PETA members. It seems that they had become so engrossed in the cause of animal rights that they were no longer able to become aroused at the thought of human sex. The defense is already working on a case centered on a medical condition currently being called “Human Visual Erectile Dysfunction.”

The prosecution quickly went to arms contending that this is a condition created solely for the defense case. Attorney Robert Pomanski said, “Human Visual Erectile Dysfunction is not a true ailment. We contend that the problem was not in getting aroused at human sex, it was getting aroused by the humans they were accustomed to hanging around. What normal person would get aroused at the thought of a dirty, hairy, smelly, peace loving hippy? If they smell like that standing next to you, what do you think it’s going to be like when their clothes are removed? This is clearly an excuse to validate their sick twisted love of nature.”

An unnamed fan of Natural Porn said that he felt this was another example of the government trying to legislate morality and that they should stick to important issues, “like saving the environment from those evil corporations man.” The pungent dread-head continued, “Natural Porn is like, natural; it’s like part of nature man. This isn’t manufactured; it’s something that the Mother Earth created for us man. The government can’t tell us not to use something from the Earth man.”

Authorities are expected to seek the maximum penalties available to send a message to other would be natural pornographers. The first of these cases is expected to hit the courtroom as early as July.

READ FULL STORY HERE

Pope Benedict XVI Pushes Conservative Agenda

Updated: 5:53 p.m. PT May 2, 2005

VATICAN CITY - Immediately following the closely guarded election of Pope Benedict XVI, observers wondered what changes might be brought to the Catholic Church as a result of his staunchly conservative viewpoints. Speaking before a large audience today, the new Pope put to rest some of that speculation, laying out an important new framework regarding man-boy relationships.

Foremost among the many problems that the new Pope must address is the widening sex scandal involving American Priests. It seems that the Vatican has placed resolution of this disturbing issue at the top of the Agenda.

Pope Benedict XVI said in a press conference this afternoon, "The Vatican is aware of the allegations against many, many American Priests. While my predecessor sought to ignore the issue, hoping that it would eventually go away, I recognize that in today's wired world, skeletons can no longer be swept under the rug. With that in mind, I release to you today, a comprehensive plan to legalize man-boy relationships throughout the globe.

The new Pope continued, "I've thought for some time now that we were attacking this thing all wrong. We have allowed the media to portray us as violating some kind of rule, when in actuality, we're the Church that sets the rules. We get to decide what is right and wrong, not the media. We weighed the facts, and quite frankly, it is much easier to allow our flock to have its way with young boys than it would be to find thousands of men who are willing to dress in weird robes and swear off women without being pedophiles. From this point forward, anally raping children is no longer a sin, in fact, we at the Vatican see it as the duty of the faithful."

Upon hearing of the announcement, hundreds of Catholic Churches in America quickly began running advertisements looking for new Alter boys. Additionally, three all-male Catholic Schools in the metro-Chicago area announced that they would immediately resume hosting "Second Grade Slumber Party" nights. The practice had been halted in the 50's when parents increasingly began to question the need for their children to stay over with religious figures. It seems that with the new pronouncement, all attempts at discretion have been put to waste.


READ FULL STORY HERE

Congress Opens Viagra Inquiry

Updated: 9:13 p.m. PT April 30, 2005

WASHINGTON - The same Congressional committee that recently opened steroid inquiries into both Major League Baseball and the National Football League has decided to launch a probe into the use of performance enhancing Viagra within the porno industry. At issue are allegations that the use of these compounds can give competitors an unfair advantage over their less pumped-up rivals, as well as the long-term health effects on users.

Fresh off its successes in forcing two major sports leagues to review their steroid policies, The Government Reform Committee issued a press release stating that it would open a formal inquiry into the use of Viagra in pornographic films.

Committee chairman Rep. Tom Davis said, "We have stated many times in the past that our committee's focus on performance enhancing drugs is not limited to Major League Baseball. As part of this investigation, we will be requesting Viagra information from many of today's top adult actors, both male and female." To which Davis quickly added, "No Trannies though, that's just wrong people."

The committee will interview male actors to determine whether Viagra has created unrealistic standards in the industry. Rookie actor Chuck Hammer said, "The advent of Viagra has made it much more difficult to break into the porn industry. In the past, young guys like me received all the premium job offers because the old actors couldn't continue to hold an erection. Now these guys can just pop a little blue pill and drop the hammer with the best of us."

Medical professionals contend that extended use of Viagra by older men can sometimes cause brain damage, and it seems that having a porno-ready horse dick increases the risk substantially. Scientists theorize that the amount of blood removed from the blood stream to pump up an average 12 inch dong is enough to deprive the brain of precious oxygen, thus slowly killing brain cells.

Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman released a letter stating, "Our children look up to these actors. We can not allow society's role models to continue to lead our youth down the path of addiction."

Critics contend that this is just another attempt by the Republican dominated government to draw the American People's attention away from bigger issues. Additionally, the major news media is concerned about their ability to make cute little news quips in areas such as the South and Utah where religious fanaticism dominates the collective psyche. It seems that there is real concern that showing porno actors being interviewed will draw complaints from viewers, as opposed to the bump in ratings that the networks became accustomed to when sports stars were shown smiling in front of Congress.

An internal source in the committee, who declined to be identified, said, "We've pretty much met all of the athletes that we wanted to. We've interviewed baseball, football, college programs, hell we even got so bored as to call in soccer players; I mean who cares about soccer? So we figured what better to follow it up with than to make the American People to pay for us to meet all of our favorite porno actors."

When this reporter pointed out that this seems to be a male problem and that there shouldn't be any reason to bring in people like Jenna Jamison, the source replied, "Dude, the guys are only a cover. We're only really interested in meeting the female actors, those chicks are SUPER slutty, hot, and they PUT OUT! I will tell you though, some of our female members have definitely enjoyed the benefits of meeting male actors; I personally know of two house democrats that have been spreading it for days."


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Palestinian Suicide Bomber Leaves 53 Dead

Updated: 2:36 p.m. PT April 29, 2005 PALESTINE - In the heart of the West Bank, a brutal suicide bombing killed 53 today when Akir Al-Hussein strapped an explosive vest to himself and waded into a crowd. Unfortunately for Mr. Al-Hussein, and fortunately for the Jews, the crowd of dead consisted entirely of mannequins.

It seems that Akir Al-Hussein had an accident earlier in life that had deprived him of 42% of his brain function. As a child, Akir was at the top of his class, reciting hateful passages from the Qur’an at an eighth grade level, as early as five years old. At the age of fourteen, Akir and his friends were throwing rocks at an Israeli tank when one bounced back and hit him in the forehead, violently knocking him to his back. From that point on, Akir Al-Hussein was, as friends put it, "not quite right."

Growing up under the constant threat of an Israeli settlement being built on top of his home led Akir to develop a natural fear and loathing of the Jewish People. Add to that the constant anti-Israeli rhetoric spewed forth by the leadership of the Palestinians, and Akir was destined to follow the path of Martyrdom.

Earlier this year, Akir had fallen in with a crowd of hard-line Palestinian freedom fighters. It was there that he received his indoctrination into the ways of the suicide bomber. Akir first spent his time assisting in the building of explosive vests for other bombers. However, as time passed, Akir became more and more restless and vowed that he must do something to, "bring down the Jewish Tyranny" himself.

As he prepared to carry out his planned suicide bombing, Akir strapped the vest to his chest and covered himself with clothes for camouflage. Akir's friends still had no idea where he was going to hit. It seems that Akir was furiously paranoid of what he called, "Jew Spies," and refused to let anyone know the details of his plan, other than when he needed the vest.

At approximately 1:42am, Akir got off the bus, walked across the street, hopped over a fence into the stockyard for a local mannequin factory. As he waded into the crowd of plastic bodies, he hit the detonator and BOOM. Plastic body parts flew everywhere; the sky was a sea of plastic fingers and toes.

After the bombing was reported, Akir's family found a note that he had left behind. In it, Akir said that he could no longer ride the bus to work everyday past that crowd of naked Jews. He felt that their naked bodies and complete arrogance in exposing themselves to the public was exactly the kind of debauchery that would lead to the destruction of the Palestinian people. He had reached his breaking point and had to make the individual sacrifice to strike back at them.

Evidently, Akir’s childhood rock-throwing accident had made it impossible for him to understand the difference between mannequins and living human beings. Akir rode to work everyday, convinced that he was staring at a crowd of people, naked and mocking him. He eventually decided to take matters into his own hands.

It seems that no organization has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the strike. Hamas released a statement saying, "That Idiot was never part of our organization. We never even met him." The longstanding tradition of hanging the pictures of suicide bombers around neighborhoods has been placed on hold for Akir Al-Hussein. It seems that people were laughing at the first posters that were put out, and the Palestinian leadership is afraid that people may learn to associate suicide bombers with retarded morons.
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Scientists warn against harmful effects of oxygen

Updated: 1:42 p.m. PT April 28, 2005

BOULDER, CO - The results of an 8 year, $523 million study have shocked members of the scientific community. Scientists in Boulder believe they have discovered that excessive use of oxygen can cause cancer.

The project began 8 years ago when Dr. Luke Mattheson noticed that many of his cancer patients had been using oxygen. Dr. Mattheson contacted some of his colleagues in the scientific community to pursue more research on the subject. As the scientists were able to obtain government funding, the research really began to build steam.

Scientists began by evaluating the medical histories of a select group of cancer patients in the Boulder area. They found that every single patient had been exposed to oxygen. Dr. Nick Desanto explains, "we were floored when we discovered this anomaly. In past studies, we have been able to find examples of chemicals that 5% of the patients had been around. Contrast this with oxygen, which was found to be present in 100% of the patients we reviewed and clearly we are on to something."

Upon discovering that 100% of the patients had been exposed to oxygen, the scientists then turned their attention to determining what other medical conditions might be related to oxygen use. The scientists discovered that every single medical condition reported in the history of the planet involved a patient that had been exposed to oxygen, thus leading scientists to the inescapable conclusion that oxygen is the root cause of everything bad.

Upon hearing of the findings, the White House unleashed a $18.3 billion proposal to eliminate this harmful chemical from our environment. President Bush stated, "we can not have this rogue chemical, what is it, oxeegin, continuing to cause harm to the American People. It is only a matter of time before the Terrorists utilize oxeegin in an attack on our people. I can not allow that."

Funds from the proposed grant are slated to be distributed to major oil companies, chemical plants, and logging companies. President Bush continued, "These industries have a long history of trying to protect the American People by eliminating the threat of oxeegin. It is time for us to turn to these great leaders of our country and let them do away with this harmful oxeegin once and for all."
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Hemorrhoid Shaped like Virgin Mary Draws Flocks of Faithful

Updated: 3:16 pooh PTA April 25, 2005

WEIMAR, TX - A local man's life has changed virtually overnight thanks to a phenomenon some observers consider to be a strong sign of biblical prophecy. In what is surely the most disturbing Religious vision since Tammy Faye Baker, Christians from around the globe are flocking to Weimar, Texas to catch a glimpse at a hemorrhoid in the shape of the Virgin Mary.

Long time Weimar resident Rusty Shackleford recently went to the doctor on what appeared to be a routine hemorrhoid check. Shackleford explained, "at first it seemed like a normal visit to the doctor's office, when all of the sudden the physician fell to his knees and started sobbing and praying. I knew that I hadn't let out any gas, so I couldn't understand why he was acting like that. About the time that the good doctor requested to kiss my hemorrhoid, I knew something must be up. It was then that the doctor told me that the Blessed Virgin Mary decided to make a home in the temple that is my cornhole."

Visitors from around the globe have been beating a path towards Mr Shackleford's front door hoping to receive the blessing that this holy hemorrhoid is rumored to bestow. A viewing station has been set up in his front yard that allows Mr Shackleford to present the apparition in a way that all can see. The viewing station has a padded section for his knees with another padded place for him to rest his abdomen, thus providing the viewing audience with an unobstructed view of the Virgin Mother. Faithful observer Charlotte Peabody was one of a handful of lucky travelers selected to kiss the Virgin Mary. Mrs. Peabody said, "I am incredibly honored to have had this opportunity, although she didn't taste nearly like I had expected."

When asked whether the new attention was too much for him to handle, Mr. Shackleford replied that he has been enjoying his newfound fame. Rusty continued, "for years my battle-ax of a wife has been hassling me anytime my crack was showing. I'm a plumber, so letting my ass out is part of the job. Now when she gives me grief, I tell that satanic cunt not to disrespect our lord and savior, and she leaves me alone, so that's a good thing. I tell you what though, I've been telling people to kiss my ass my whole life, and now that people want to kiss my hemorrhoid voluntarily, it has taken all the fun out it."

The hemorrhoid did recently cause some controversy when Mr. Shackleford attempted to auction it on eBay. The auction set off automated red flags, leading the prominent Internet auction house to investigate the listing. A spokesman for the company said, "we have strict policies in place to ensure that our marketplace is both robust and safe. While we recognize that there is a religious theme to this auction, our standards prohibit illegal transactions on our site. Given that Mr Shackleford is trying to auction his "Virgin Ass" we feel that this pushes a little too close to prostitution for our comfort level."

Upon hearing of the listing, Internet gambling site Goldenpalace.com offered Mr. Shackleford a substantial but undisclosed sum of money to purchase the hemorrhoid. Rusty did decline the offer noting that the bible frowns on gambling and that he didn't believe the Blessed Mother would be comfortable in an environment like that.
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Republicans Outraged by Inter-Species Relationships

Updated: 01:14 pm PT April 23, 2005

WASHINGTON - Reacting to a recent story about a Myanmar woman who has recently been breast feeding several tiger cubs, Republican lawmakers rallied the troops against what they consider to be just the latest threat to the moral fabric of this country.

In what appears to be an amazing story of adaptation, a woman from Myanmar has been successfully nursing tiger cubs that were abandoned by their natural mother. When asked whether it hurt to have baby tigers chewing on her breast tissue, she replied, "Me lika nibble-nibble. Long Time." She then proceeded to wink at the reporter.

Republican lawmakers have seized on the issue of inter-species relationships and are currently working on a House Bill to outlaw the practice. In a press conference, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) stated that he was morally outraged at the rising epidemic of inter-species relationships. After reporters on hand pointed out that the lady from Myanmar was merely trying to save the lives of these tragically abandoned cubs, DeLay responded, "I don't care what her claimed purpose is, the simple truth is that this woman not only exposed her breasts intentionally, she did so with the intention of letting an animal suck on them. Now if that isn't perversion, I don't know what is. She's lucky that she didn't do it on television, or so help me god, the FCC would have been fined the life out of Howard Stern."

Prominent Christian Leader Jerry Falwell issued a statement calling the practice, "A Moral Abomination, sure to lead one's soul straight into the hands of the DEVIL." Falwell continued, "The 2004 election showed that the American people are once again concerned about the continued decline in this country's morality. In the runnup to the 2004 election, the Democrats had already proven that Bush was a a liar who used false information to drive the country toward war, while handing out lucrative government contracts to his friends at Halliburton. His political career should have been over, but then my people came up with the idea of outlawing Gay Marriage, and suddenly Bush regained his popularity. Well, we have an eye towards the 2008 election, and we are sure that American People will recognize that the issue of inter-species relationships is way more important than the environment, corporate malfeasance, a weakening American economy, or rising gas prices, and as such will choose a leader that is willing to take a strong stand against the continued demonization of our society."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7600056/
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Fox's "The Simple Life" causes sudden reversal in Republican position on The Death Tax

Updated: 10:39 am PT April 16, 2005

WASHINGTON - In what some observers are calling the biggest opinion shift in the history of politics, Republican Leaders have announced that they will seek an immediate 400% increase in the estate tax.

When asked what spurred this sudden change of heart, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said, "Now you know that I am a very family oriented man. Well, on Wednesday night, my family and I sat down to watch TV together. Someone must have been watching Fox the last time the television was on because that was the first channel that came up. Fox was playing this show called "The Simple Life." Normally I wouldn't watch such a morally repugnant show, but as I said, this was on when I powered up the set, so it's not my fault."

Frist continued, "This show definitely made me reconsider my position on estate taxes. I've always felt that my children should receive the fruits of my labor when that unfortunate moment comes. I mean, I've had to spend my entire life making back room deals with special interest groups, all the while sucking the proverbial teet of big business. I don't want my children forced to live like that; who would?"

When asked why a television show would make him flip-flop on his position, Frist replied, "Well, as I sat there watching this show, with an acute sense of moral outrage I might add, I realized that the reason Paris Hilton is able to exist is that her grand daddy made a bunch of money, then gave it to her daddy, who made even more money with it, and now her daddy is giving it to her to well, pardon my language, but to be a painted up whore. If Paris Hilton is what inherited wealth creates, then for the good of the nation, we must put an immediate end to estate transfers."

In a surprising show of unity, the Democratic Party has announced that they will support legislation to increase the estate tax and thus eliminate inherited wealth. When asked for comment, Democratic figurehead Bill Clinton responded, "I've worked my entire life to make sure that Chelsea would be able to enjoy the finer things. Seriously, you think I would sleep with that Ice-Queen Hillary for the fun of it? I mean, she drove me to bang a fat chick for Christ's sake. Now, that's neither here nor there, but the point is that I don't want my darling Chelsea turning into a half dressed skank with the IQ of a chair. I've alerted the secret service to keep a lookout for bad clothes and hair bleach, and I am proud to say that so far our house is secure. It is time for our elected officials to work together on a bipartisan effort to eliminate the threat to our liberty that people like Paris Hilton represent."
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