Hemorrhoid Shaped like Virgin Mary Draws Flocks of Faithful

Updated: 3:16 pooh PTA April 25, 2005

WEIMAR, TX - A local man's life has changed virtually overnight thanks to a phenomenon some observers consider to be a strong sign of biblical prophecy. In what is surely the most disturbing Religious vision since Tammy Faye Baker, Christians from around the globe are flocking to Weimar, Texas to catch a glimpse at a hemorrhoid in the shape of the Virgin Mary.

Long time Weimar resident Rusty Shackleford recently went to the doctor on what appeared to be a routine hemorrhoid check. Shackleford explained, "at first it seemed like a normal visit to the doctor's office, when all of the sudden the physician fell to his knees and started sobbing and praying. I knew that I hadn't let out any gas, so I couldn't understand why he was acting like that. About the time that the good doctor requested to kiss my hemorrhoid, I knew something must be up. It was then that the doctor told me that the Blessed Virgin Mary decided to make a home in the temple that is my cornhole."

Visitors from around the globe have been beating a path towards Mr Shackleford's front door hoping to receive the blessing that this holy hemorrhoid is rumored to bestow. A viewing station has been set up in his front yard that allows Mr Shackleford to present the apparition in a way that all can see. The viewing station has a padded section for his knees with another padded place for him to rest his abdomen, thus providing the viewing audience with an unobstructed view of the Virgin Mother. Faithful observer Charlotte Peabody was one of a handful of lucky travelers selected to kiss the Virgin Mary. Mrs. Peabody said, "I am incredibly honored to have had this opportunity, although she didn't taste nearly like I had expected."

When asked whether the new attention was too much for him to handle, Mr. Shackleford replied that he has been enjoying his newfound fame. Rusty continued, "for years my battle-ax of a wife has been hassling me anytime my crack was showing. I'm a plumber, so letting my ass out is part of the job. Now when she gives me grief, I tell that satanic cunt not to disrespect our lord and savior, and she leaves me alone, so that's a good thing. I tell you what though, I've been telling people to kiss my ass my whole life, and now that people want to kiss my hemorrhoid voluntarily, it has taken all the fun out it."

The hemorrhoid did recently cause some controversy when Mr. Shackleford attempted to auction it on eBay. The auction set off automated red flags, leading the prominent Internet auction house to investigate the listing. A spokesman for the company said, "we have strict policies in place to ensure that our marketplace is both robust and safe. While we recognize that there is a religious theme to this auction, our standards prohibit illegal transactions on our site. Given that Mr Shackleford is trying to auction his "Virgin Ass" we feel that this pushes a little too close to prostitution for our comfort level."

Upon hearing of the listing, Internet gambling site Goldenpalace.com offered Mr. Shackleford a substantial but undisclosed sum of money to purchase the hemorrhoid. Rusty did decline the offer noting that the bible frowns on gambling and that he didn't believe the Blessed Mother would be comfortable in an environment like that.