Congress Opens Viagra Inquiry

Updated: 9:13 p.m. PT April 30, 2005

WASHINGTON - The same Congressional committee that recently opened steroid inquiries into both Major League Baseball and the National Football League has decided to launch a probe into the use of performance enhancing Viagra within the porno industry. At issue are allegations that the use of these compounds can give competitors an unfair advantage over their less pumped-up rivals, as well as the long-term health effects on users.

Fresh off its successes in forcing two major sports leagues to review their steroid policies, The Government Reform Committee issued a press release stating that it would open a formal inquiry into the use of Viagra in pornographic films.

Committee chairman Rep. Tom Davis said, "We have stated many times in the past that our committee's focus on performance enhancing drugs is not limited to Major League Baseball. As part of this investigation, we will be requesting Viagra information from many of today's top adult actors, both male and female." To which Davis quickly added, "No Trannies though, that's just wrong people."

The committee will interview male actors to determine whether Viagra has created unrealistic standards in the industry. Rookie actor Chuck Hammer said, "The advent of Viagra has made it much more difficult to break into the porn industry. In the past, young guys like me received all the premium job offers because the old actors couldn't continue to hold an erection. Now these guys can just pop a little blue pill and drop the hammer with the best of us."

Medical professionals contend that extended use of Viagra by older men can sometimes cause brain damage, and it seems that having a porno-ready horse dick increases the risk substantially. Scientists theorize that the amount of blood removed from the blood stream to pump up an average 12 inch dong is enough to deprive the brain of precious oxygen, thus slowly killing brain cells.

Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman released a letter stating, "Our children look up to these actors. We can not allow society's role models to continue to lead our youth down the path of addiction."

Critics contend that this is just another attempt by the Republican dominated government to draw the American People's attention away from bigger issues. Additionally, the major news media is concerned about their ability to make cute little news quips in areas such as the South and Utah where religious fanaticism dominates the collective psyche. It seems that there is real concern that showing porno actors being interviewed will draw complaints from viewers, as opposed to the bump in ratings that the networks became accustomed to when sports stars were shown smiling in front of Congress.

An internal source in the committee, who declined to be identified, said, "We've pretty much met all of the athletes that we wanted to. We've interviewed baseball, football, college programs, hell we even got so bored as to call in soccer players; I mean who cares about soccer? So we figured what better to follow it up with than to make the American People to pay for us to meet all of our favorite porno actors."

When this reporter pointed out that this seems to be a male problem and that there shouldn't be any reason to bring in people like Jenna Jamison, the source replied, "Dude, the guys are only a cover. We're only really interested in meeting the female actors, those chicks are SUPER slutty, hot, and they PUT OUT! I will tell you though, some of our female members have definitely enjoyed the benefits of meeting male actors; I personally know of two house democrats that have been spreading it for days."


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Palestinian Suicide Bomber Leaves 53 Dead

Updated: 2:36 p.m. PT April 29, 2005 PALESTINE - In the heart of the West Bank, a brutal suicide bombing killed 53 today when Akir Al-Hussein strapped an explosive vest to himself and waded into a crowd. Unfortunately for Mr. Al-Hussein, and fortunately for the Jews, the crowd of dead consisted entirely of mannequins.

It seems that Akir Al-Hussein had an accident earlier in life that had deprived him of 42% of his brain function. As a child, Akir was at the top of his class, reciting hateful passages from the Qur’an at an eighth grade level, as early as five years old. At the age of fourteen, Akir and his friends were throwing rocks at an Israeli tank when one bounced back and hit him in the forehead, violently knocking him to his back. From that point on, Akir Al-Hussein was, as friends put it, "not quite right."

Growing up under the constant threat of an Israeli settlement being built on top of his home led Akir to develop a natural fear and loathing of the Jewish People. Add to that the constant anti-Israeli rhetoric spewed forth by the leadership of the Palestinians, and Akir was destined to follow the path of Martyrdom.

Earlier this year, Akir had fallen in with a crowd of hard-line Palestinian freedom fighters. It was there that he received his indoctrination into the ways of the suicide bomber. Akir first spent his time assisting in the building of explosive vests for other bombers. However, as time passed, Akir became more and more restless and vowed that he must do something to, "bring down the Jewish Tyranny" himself.

As he prepared to carry out his planned suicide bombing, Akir strapped the vest to his chest and covered himself with clothes for camouflage. Akir's friends still had no idea where he was going to hit. It seems that Akir was furiously paranoid of what he called, "Jew Spies," and refused to let anyone know the details of his plan, other than when he needed the vest.

At approximately 1:42am, Akir got off the bus, walked across the street, hopped over a fence into the stockyard for a local mannequin factory. As he waded into the crowd of plastic bodies, he hit the detonator and BOOM. Plastic body parts flew everywhere; the sky was a sea of plastic fingers and toes.

After the bombing was reported, Akir's family found a note that he had left behind. In it, Akir said that he could no longer ride the bus to work everyday past that crowd of naked Jews. He felt that their naked bodies and complete arrogance in exposing themselves to the public was exactly the kind of debauchery that would lead to the destruction of the Palestinian people. He had reached his breaking point and had to make the individual sacrifice to strike back at them.

Evidently, Akir’s childhood rock-throwing accident had made it impossible for him to understand the difference between mannequins and living human beings. Akir rode to work everyday, convinced that he was staring at a crowd of people, naked and mocking him. He eventually decided to take matters into his own hands.

It seems that no organization has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the strike. Hamas released a statement saying, "That Idiot was never part of our organization. We never even met him." The longstanding tradition of hanging the pictures of suicide bombers around neighborhoods has been placed on hold for Akir Al-Hussein. It seems that people were laughing at the first posters that were put out, and the Palestinian leadership is afraid that people may learn to associate suicide bombers with retarded morons.
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Scientists warn against harmful effects of oxygen

Updated: 1:42 p.m. PT April 28, 2005

BOULDER, CO - The results of an 8 year, $523 million study have shocked members of the scientific community. Scientists in Boulder believe they have discovered that excessive use of oxygen can cause cancer.

The project began 8 years ago when Dr. Luke Mattheson noticed that many of his cancer patients had been using oxygen. Dr. Mattheson contacted some of his colleagues in the scientific community to pursue more research on the subject. As the scientists were able to obtain government funding, the research really began to build steam.

Scientists began by evaluating the medical histories of a select group of cancer patients in the Boulder area. They found that every single patient had been exposed to oxygen. Dr. Nick Desanto explains, "we were floored when we discovered this anomaly. In past studies, we have been able to find examples of chemicals that 5% of the patients had been around. Contrast this with oxygen, which was found to be present in 100% of the patients we reviewed and clearly we are on to something."

Upon discovering that 100% of the patients had been exposed to oxygen, the scientists then turned their attention to determining what other medical conditions might be related to oxygen use. The scientists discovered that every single medical condition reported in the history of the planet involved a patient that had been exposed to oxygen, thus leading scientists to the inescapable conclusion that oxygen is the root cause of everything bad.

Upon hearing of the findings, the White House unleashed a $18.3 billion proposal to eliminate this harmful chemical from our environment. President Bush stated, "we can not have this rogue chemical, what is it, oxeegin, continuing to cause harm to the American People. It is only a matter of time before the Terrorists utilize oxeegin in an attack on our people. I can not allow that."

Funds from the proposed grant are slated to be distributed to major oil companies, chemical plants, and logging companies. President Bush continued, "These industries have a long history of trying to protect the American People by eliminating the threat of oxeegin. It is time for us to turn to these great leaders of our country and let them do away with this harmful oxeegin once and for all."
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Hemorrhoid Shaped like Virgin Mary Draws Flocks of Faithful

Updated: 3:16 pooh PTA April 25, 2005

WEIMAR, TX - A local man's life has changed virtually overnight thanks to a phenomenon some observers consider to be a strong sign of biblical prophecy. In what is surely the most disturbing Religious vision since Tammy Faye Baker, Christians from around the globe are flocking to Weimar, Texas to catch a glimpse at a hemorrhoid in the shape of the Virgin Mary.

Long time Weimar resident Rusty Shackleford recently went to the doctor on what appeared to be a routine hemorrhoid check. Shackleford explained, "at first it seemed like a normal visit to the doctor's office, when all of the sudden the physician fell to his knees and started sobbing and praying. I knew that I hadn't let out any gas, so I couldn't understand why he was acting like that. About the time that the good doctor requested to kiss my hemorrhoid, I knew something must be up. It was then that the doctor told me that the Blessed Virgin Mary decided to make a home in the temple that is my cornhole."

Visitors from around the globe have been beating a path towards Mr Shackleford's front door hoping to receive the blessing that this holy hemorrhoid is rumored to bestow. A viewing station has been set up in his front yard that allows Mr Shackleford to present the apparition in a way that all can see. The viewing station has a padded section for his knees with another padded place for him to rest his abdomen, thus providing the viewing audience with an unobstructed view of the Virgin Mother. Faithful observer Charlotte Peabody was one of a handful of lucky travelers selected to kiss the Virgin Mary. Mrs. Peabody said, "I am incredibly honored to have had this opportunity, although she didn't taste nearly like I had expected."

When asked whether the new attention was too much for him to handle, Mr. Shackleford replied that he has been enjoying his newfound fame. Rusty continued, "for years my battle-ax of a wife has been hassling me anytime my crack was showing. I'm a plumber, so letting my ass out is part of the job. Now when she gives me grief, I tell that satanic cunt not to disrespect our lord and savior, and she leaves me alone, so that's a good thing. I tell you what though, I've been telling people to kiss my ass my whole life, and now that people want to kiss my hemorrhoid voluntarily, it has taken all the fun out it."

The hemorrhoid did recently cause some controversy when Mr. Shackleford attempted to auction it on eBay. The auction set off automated red flags, leading the prominent Internet auction house to investigate the listing. A spokesman for the company said, "we have strict policies in place to ensure that our marketplace is both robust and safe. While we recognize that there is a religious theme to this auction, our standards prohibit illegal transactions on our site. Given that Mr Shackleford is trying to auction his "Virgin Ass" we feel that this pushes a little too close to prostitution for our comfort level."

Upon hearing of the listing, Internet gambling site Goldenpalace.com offered Mr. Shackleford a substantial but undisclosed sum of money to purchase the hemorrhoid. Rusty did decline the offer noting that the bible frowns on gambling and that he didn't believe the Blessed Mother would be comfortable in an environment like that.
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Republicans Outraged by Inter-Species Relationships

Updated: 01:14 pm PT April 23, 2005

WASHINGTON - Reacting to a recent story about a Myanmar woman who has recently been breast feeding several tiger cubs, Republican lawmakers rallied the troops against what they consider to be just the latest threat to the moral fabric of this country.

In what appears to be an amazing story of adaptation, a woman from Myanmar has been successfully nursing tiger cubs that were abandoned by their natural mother. When asked whether it hurt to have baby tigers chewing on her breast tissue, she replied, "Me lika nibble-nibble. Long Time." She then proceeded to wink at the reporter.

Republican lawmakers have seized on the issue of inter-species relationships and are currently working on a House Bill to outlaw the practice. In a press conference, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) stated that he was morally outraged at the rising epidemic of inter-species relationships. After reporters on hand pointed out that the lady from Myanmar was merely trying to save the lives of these tragically abandoned cubs, DeLay responded, "I don't care what her claimed purpose is, the simple truth is that this woman not only exposed her breasts intentionally, she did so with the intention of letting an animal suck on them. Now if that isn't perversion, I don't know what is. She's lucky that she didn't do it on television, or so help me god, the FCC would have been fined the life out of Howard Stern."

Prominent Christian Leader Jerry Falwell issued a statement calling the practice, "A Moral Abomination, sure to lead one's soul straight into the hands of the DEVIL." Falwell continued, "The 2004 election showed that the American people are once again concerned about the continued decline in this country's morality. In the runnup to the 2004 election, the Democrats had already proven that Bush was a a liar who used false information to drive the country toward war, while handing out lucrative government contracts to his friends at Halliburton. His political career should have been over, but then my people came up with the idea of outlawing Gay Marriage, and suddenly Bush regained his popularity. Well, we have an eye towards the 2008 election, and we are sure that American People will recognize that the issue of inter-species relationships is way more important than the environment, corporate malfeasance, a weakening American economy, or rising gas prices, and as such will choose a leader that is willing to take a strong stand against the continued demonization of our society."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7600056/
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Fox's "The Simple Life" causes sudden reversal in Republican position on The Death Tax

Updated: 10:39 am PT April 16, 2005

WASHINGTON - In what some observers are calling the biggest opinion shift in the history of politics, Republican Leaders have announced that they will seek an immediate 400% increase in the estate tax.

When asked what spurred this sudden change of heart, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said, "Now you know that I am a very family oriented man. Well, on Wednesday night, my family and I sat down to watch TV together. Someone must have been watching Fox the last time the television was on because that was the first channel that came up. Fox was playing this show called "The Simple Life." Normally I wouldn't watch such a morally repugnant show, but as I said, this was on when I powered up the set, so it's not my fault."

Frist continued, "This show definitely made me reconsider my position on estate taxes. I've always felt that my children should receive the fruits of my labor when that unfortunate moment comes. I mean, I've had to spend my entire life making back room deals with special interest groups, all the while sucking the proverbial teet of big business. I don't want my children forced to live like that; who would?"

When asked why a television show would make him flip-flop on his position, Frist replied, "Well, as I sat there watching this show, with an acute sense of moral outrage I might add, I realized that the reason Paris Hilton is able to exist is that her grand daddy made a bunch of money, then gave it to her daddy, who made even more money with it, and now her daddy is giving it to her to well, pardon my language, but to be a painted up whore. If Paris Hilton is what inherited wealth creates, then for the good of the nation, we must put an immediate end to estate transfers."

In a surprising show of unity, the Democratic Party has announced that they will support legislation to increase the estate tax and thus eliminate inherited wealth. When asked for comment, Democratic figurehead Bill Clinton responded, "I've worked my entire life to make sure that Chelsea would be able to enjoy the finer things. Seriously, you think I would sleep with that Ice-Queen Hillary for the fun of it? I mean, she drove me to bang a fat chick for Christ's sake. Now, that's neither here nor there, but the point is that I don't want my darling Chelsea turning into a half dressed skank with the IQ of a chair. I've alerted the secret service to keep a lookout for bad clothes and hair bleach, and I am proud to say that so far our house is secure. It is time for our elected officials to work together on a bipartisan effort to eliminate the threat to our liberty that people like Paris Hilton represent."
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