Congress Opens Viagra Inquiry

Updated: 9:13 p.m. PT April 30, 2005

WASHINGTON - The same Congressional committee that recently opened steroid inquiries into both Major League Baseball and the National Football League has decided to launch a probe into the use of performance enhancing Viagra within the porno industry. At issue are allegations that the use of these compounds can give competitors an unfair advantage over their less pumped-up rivals, as well as the long-term health effects on users.

Fresh off its successes in forcing two major sports leagues to review their steroid policies, The Government Reform Committee issued a press release stating that it would open a formal inquiry into the use of Viagra in pornographic films.

Committee chairman Rep. Tom Davis said, "We have stated many times in the past that our committee's focus on performance enhancing drugs is not limited to Major League Baseball. As part of this investigation, we will be requesting Viagra information from many of today's top adult actors, both male and female." To which Davis quickly added, "No Trannies though, that's just wrong people."

The committee will interview male actors to determine whether Viagra has created unrealistic standards in the industry. Rookie actor Chuck Hammer said, "The advent of Viagra has made it much more difficult to break into the porn industry. In the past, young guys like me received all the premium job offers because the old actors couldn't continue to hold an erection. Now these guys can just pop a little blue pill and drop the hammer with the best of us."

Medical professionals contend that extended use of Viagra by older men can sometimes cause brain damage, and it seems that having a porno-ready horse dick increases the risk substantially. Scientists theorize that the amount of blood removed from the blood stream to pump up an average 12 inch dong is enough to deprive the brain of precious oxygen, thus slowly killing brain cells.

Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman released a letter stating, "Our children look up to these actors. We can not allow society's role models to continue to lead our youth down the path of addiction."

Critics contend that this is just another attempt by the Republican dominated government to draw the American People's attention away from bigger issues. Additionally, the major news media is concerned about their ability to make cute little news quips in areas such as the South and Utah where religious fanaticism dominates the collective psyche. It seems that there is real concern that showing porno actors being interviewed will draw complaints from viewers, as opposed to the bump in ratings that the networks became accustomed to when sports stars were shown smiling in front of Congress.

An internal source in the committee, who declined to be identified, said, "We've pretty much met all of the athletes that we wanted to. We've interviewed baseball, football, college programs, hell we even got so bored as to call in soccer players; I mean who cares about soccer? So we figured what better to follow it up with than to make the American People to pay for us to meet all of our favorite porno actors."

When this reporter pointed out that this seems to be a male problem and that there shouldn't be any reason to bring in people like Jenna Jamison, the source replied, "Dude, the guys are only a cover. We're only really interested in meeting the female actors, those chicks are SUPER slutty, hot, and they PUT OUT! I will tell you though, some of our female members have definitely enjoyed the benefits of meeting male actors; I personally know of two house democrats that have been spreading it for days."