Star Wars Debate Ends in Violence

Updated: 7:52 p.m. PT, May 10, 2005

CINCINNATI, OH – The normally tranquil atmosphere of science-fiction conventions was shattered this afternoon when a disagreement among Star Wars fans erupted into a full scale riot.

Police were called in to quell the disturbance and spent more than an hour and a half trying to regain control. In the end, 26 people were brought in on charges of disturbing the peace.

According to witnesses, self-anointed Jedi Knight Buster Fadden began a discussion with wannabe Sith Lord Trent Jenkins regarding the true power of the force. The tension quickly escalated as the two virgins debated dark and light side abilities. It wasn’t long before plastic light sabers were drawn, and a melee ensued.

What would have normally been a simple nerd-fight became an all out war when other costumed avengers decided to defend their respective sides. The room was ablaze with the zhuum-zhuum sound of fake light sabers as math club members twirled amongst each other, slicing and dicing nothing in particular.

Despite the fact that the disturbance lasted almost two hours, only two injuries were reported. It seems that Ike Goodman received a jammed finger, and Eric Youngers sprained his left ankle trying to perform the Jedi Yoda Light Saber Flip attack.

Authorities say the conflict may not yet be over. Message boards across the Internet quickly lit up with flame attacks from fan boy to fan boy. One fan in particular left 78 postings explaining why the Dark Side’s mom, “Sucked.”

The police are concerned about online rumors that the final battle for galactic domination will commence on May 19. It seems that these scholarly street gangs are planning to rumble on opening night of the final installment of the series. Police are concerned that a nerd rumble in public will bring in too many bystanders, hungry for a little old-school nerd bashing.

Officer Dan Bennet said, “It’s one thing when these kids are jumping around smacking each other with their little plastic sticks; it’s an entirely different thing when a couple jocks get in there and start clocking nerd heads against each other. Quite frankly, we’re terrified of the damage that could ensue as a result of this disagreement.”