Palestinian Suicide Bomber Leaves 53 Dead

Updated: 2:36 p.m. PT April 29, 2005 PALESTINE - In the heart of the West Bank, a brutal suicide bombing killed 53 today when Akir Al-Hussein strapped an explosive vest to himself and waded into a crowd. Unfortunately for Mr. Al-Hussein, and fortunately for the Jews, the crowd of dead consisted entirely of mannequins.

It seems that Akir Al-Hussein had an accident earlier in life that had deprived him of 42% of his brain function. As a child, Akir was at the top of his class, reciting hateful passages from the Qur’an at an eighth grade level, as early as five years old. At the age of fourteen, Akir and his friends were throwing rocks at an Israeli tank when one bounced back and hit him in the forehead, violently knocking him to his back. From that point on, Akir Al-Hussein was, as friends put it, "not quite right."

Growing up under the constant threat of an Israeli settlement being built on top of his home led Akir to develop a natural fear and loathing of the Jewish People. Add to that the constant anti-Israeli rhetoric spewed forth by the leadership of the Palestinians, and Akir was destined to follow the path of Martyrdom.

Earlier this year, Akir had fallen in with a crowd of hard-line Palestinian freedom fighters. It was there that he received his indoctrination into the ways of the suicide bomber. Akir first spent his time assisting in the building of explosive vests for other bombers. However, as time passed, Akir became more and more restless and vowed that he must do something to, "bring down the Jewish Tyranny" himself.

As he prepared to carry out his planned suicide bombing, Akir strapped the vest to his chest and covered himself with clothes for camouflage. Akir's friends still had no idea where he was going to hit. It seems that Akir was furiously paranoid of what he called, "Jew Spies," and refused to let anyone know the details of his plan, other than when he needed the vest.

At approximately 1:42am, Akir got off the bus, walked across the street, hopped over a fence into the stockyard for a local mannequin factory. As he waded into the crowd of plastic bodies, he hit the detonator and BOOM. Plastic body parts flew everywhere; the sky was a sea of plastic fingers and toes.

After the bombing was reported, Akir's family found a note that he had left behind. In it, Akir said that he could no longer ride the bus to work everyday past that crowd of naked Jews. He felt that their naked bodies and complete arrogance in exposing themselves to the public was exactly the kind of debauchery that would lead to the destruction of the Palestinian people. He had reached his breaking point and had to make the individual sacrifice to strike back at them.

Evidently, Akir’s childhood rock-throwing accident had made it impossible for him to understand the difference between mannequins and living human beings. Akir rode to work everyday, convinced that he was staring at a crowd of people, naked and mocking him. He eventually decided to take matters into his own hands.

It seems that no organization has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the strike. Hamas released a statement saying, "That Idiot was never part of our organization. We never even met him." The longstanding tradition of hanging the pictures of suicide bombers around neighborhoods has been placed on hold for Akir Al-Hussein. It seems that people were laughing at the first posters that were put out, and the Palestinian leadership is afraid that people may learn to associate suicide bombers with retarded morons.