Pope Benedict XVI Pushes Conservative Agenda

Updated: 5:53 p.m. PT May 2, 2005

VATICAN CITY - Immediately following the closely guarded election of Pope Benedict XVI, observers wondered what changes might be brought to the Catholic Church as a result of his staunchly conservative viewpoints. Speaking before a large audience today, the new Pope put to rest some of that speculation, laying out an important new framework regarding man-boy relationships.

Foremost among the many problems that the new Pope must address is the widening sex scandal involving American Priests. It seems that the Vatican has placed resolution of this disturbing issue at the top of the Agenda.

Pope Benedict XVI said in a press conference this afternoon, "The Vatican is aware of the allegations against many, many American Priests. While my predecessor sought to ignore the issue, hoping that it would eventually go away, I recognize that in today's wired world, skeletons can no longer be swept under the rug. With that in mind, I release to you today, a comprehensive plan to legalize man-boy relationships throughout the globe.

The new Pope continued, "I've thought for some time now that we were attacking this thing all wrong. We have allowed the media to portray us as violating some kind of rule, when in actuality, we're the Church that sets the rules. We get to decide what is right and wrong, not the media. We weighed the facts, and quite frankly, it is much easier to allow our flock to have its way with young boys than it would be to find thousands of men who are willing to dress in weird robes and swear off women without being pedophiles. From this point forward, anally raping children is no longer a sin, in fact, we at the Vatican see it as the duty of the faithful."

Upon hearing of the announcement, hundreds of Catholic Churches in America quickly began running advertisements looking for new Alter boys. Additionally, three all-male Catholic Schools in the metro-Chicago area announced that they would immediately resume hosting "Second Grade Slumber Party" nights. The practice had been halted in the 50's when parents increasingly began to question the need for their children to stay over with religious figures. It seems that with the new pronouncement, all attempts at discretion have been put to waste.