President Reverses Position on Human Cloning Ban

Updated 1:48 a.m. PT May 23, 2005

WASHINGTON – Long-time opponent of scientific advancements in areas such as stem cell research and cloning, George W. Bush has had an apparent change of heart regarding the ban on human cloning research.

The president has derived much of his past support from the Christian Right as a result of his call for bans on such things as human cloning, stem cell research, and gay marriage to name a few. In fact, many suspect it was his stance on these issues that helped him carry the rural areas of the country in the past presidential election.

The president’s close relationship with the Christian Right makes today’s announcement of a proposal to create a $12.5 billion research grant for human cloning research that much more surprising. His handlers are franticly trying to determine just how today’s announcement will affect the president’s base of support.

President Bush has proposed to spend $12.5 billion over the next 10 years to help further advancements in human cloning. The grant is expected to bolster genetic departments at several leading universities, and contribute to the bottom line of many health-tech companies who donated to the president’s re-election campaign.

In our search to discover the source of the flip-flop in the president’s ideology, we were able to talk with a visually frustrated Vice President Chaney. Chaney said, “The President saw the new Star Wars movie on Wednesday, and ever since he won’t shut up about wanting his own Storm Trooper army. Every day, he goes on, and on, and on, about how cool it would be to have Storm Troopers, and how Storm Troopers could beat the terrorists, and how Storm Troopers would look really bad ass to the Ruskies. It’s never-ending, and now he’s convinced that paying for human cloning research is the way to get himself a Storm Trooper army, so here we are.”

Cheney said that this is the most fired up over a movie that the president has been since The Matrix. Dick continued, “I thought it was bad after the Matrix, I mean for like six months, W. kept freaking out whenever he met a new Secret Service agent, convinced the new guy was an Agent in the Matrix, and I constantly caught him picking up the phone and asking, Morpheous?”

The Vice President stated that in the past, he had to deal with the president wanting to be a swashbuckler after watching Pirates of The Caribbean. And he tolerated his attempt to see if he was a mutant after X-Men, even being amused at one point as W. knocked himself out trying to see if he had the ability to run through walls. “Oh man, it was classic,” Dick laughed, “He was in the hall, looked around to make sure he was alone, then just took off, booking at the wall at the end of the hall. All you heard was this loud crash as he bounced off, onto his backside. George got up real quick, shook his head a bit, looked around to see if anyone had seen him, and then rushed back down the hall and into the oval office. No one saw him for the rest of the day. Evidently he forgot there were cameras in the Whitehouse. I’ve watched that clip like eight thousand times, and I still almost piss myself every time. Good stuff.”

Apparently the president’s handlers were barely able to stop him from making a press release announcing that he would begin building a coliseum and start holding gladiator fights after watching The Gladiator a few years back. All around him were convinced that coming out in support of death-match combat for entertainment would have been a public relations nightmare. They gave him a copy of Terminator 3 to distract him, and the idea was soon shelved as the president lost interest in Gladiators and decided that death-robots were “kick ass.”

Dick Cheney said that the press release can be smoothed over so he’s not too terribly concerned. When asked why he looked so disgusted when describing the president’s childlike concept of reality, Dick said, “None of his past fantasies have involved me, so I never had to deal with it, that’s Condi’s job. Well, after seeing Revenge of the Sith, Georgie is convinced that I’m the Dark Lord of the Sith, and that I won’t tell him about it. All day long, he tries to think of ways to trick me into showing my true identity; it’s just obnoxious. I’m NOT a Sith Lord. I’m just your average well-connected, corporate scumbag, controlling a puppet president to enrich the shareholders of my former company and my friends in the business community. But I’m in no way connected with the Dark Side, that stuff is all made up.”

Cheney believes that he will hear about Sith Lords and Storm Troopers for quite some time, but he indicated he has plans to give the president a copy of The Ring to watch. Dick is hoping that the president will develop a fear of watching movies after seeing The Ring so that these fiascos can be avoided in the future. Cheney said, “I just have to get him to believe that the creepy little girl will come after him if he watches movies, and then it’s over. I’ll probably still have to hear about Storm Troopers, but at least I won’t have to have a heart attack every time he tells me that he saw a new movie that he liked.”