MPAA Report: Amazingly, People Still Pay to See J-Lo Movies

Updated: 7:17 p.m. PT May 18, 2005

HOLLYWOOD – A study released by the Motion Picture Association of America gave surprising statistics that show people are still paying to watch J-Lo on the big screen despite overwhelming evidence that she is in fact a horrible actress.

J-Lo, the dump truck rumped Latino pseudo-star has consistently shown an overwhelming ability to turn an otherwise well conceived story line into film school quality garbage. Watching her past movies has sometimes been compared to torture, and in fact, some of the alleged abuses at Abu Gharib involve forcing prisoners to watch Made in America until they cracked. Incidentally, due to the unusually high suicide rate amongst prisoners receiving the treatment, subjecting POWs to J-Lo films has been banned under the Geneva Convention as a war crime.

It seems that people never started watching J-Lo because they thought she was talented; she just received a lot of publicity by humping Sean, P-Diddy Combs. After viewers became accustomed to seeing her on the red carpet alongside Puffy, they naturally assumed that she was a star and went to see some of her early movies like The Cell.

In the beginning, her vapid performances were masked by otherwise interesting movies, wrapped in impressive special effects. As J-Lo started to believe the hype herself, she selected movies that would focus more on her as the lead instead of digital effects, and the results have been horrendous.

Religious observers believe that that the popularity of the fat-rumped Puerto Rican girl is a sure sign that we are nearing the end of days. They point to her ability to make the world believe that a fat, bloated ass is sexy as evidence to her ties with the Lord of Darkness. Many believe that only a deal with the devil could explain her success.

Witness the destruction wrecked on Kevin Smith’s last movie, Jersey Girl. As the American Public finally started to realize the depth to which Mrs. Lopez sucked, people couldn’t be paid to watch her again in Jersey Girl, and this was despite the fact that the movie contained a scene in which the audience gets to watch that stupid whore get shot and killed.

However, it seems that the memory of the mainstream viewing public is indeed short, as people are once again paying to watch Jennifer Lopez in her new release, Monster-In-Law. Industry observers are stunned to see actual audience turnout for the movie, and said that she is expected to star in several more movies until, “the Schmucks stop paying to see her.”

We were able to talk to Jerry Brockwell as he left the theater after watching Monster-In-Law and he said, “Why does the MTV keep telling me to go see her? I just wasted $11.50 to watch that, and the entire time I thinking about whether I could use the straw on my soda to poke my eyes out, but then realizing that it wouldn’t help because I’d still be able to hear her. I’m sick and tired of all these commercials and television shows making me think that she is going to be entertaining. One more time, and I might have to start deciding what I like for myself. Let’s see how those Hollywood fat cats like that.”