Scientists warn against harmful effects of oxygen

Updated: 1:42 p.m. PT April 28, 2005

BOULDER, CO - The results of an 8 year, $523 million study have shocked members of the scientific community. Scientists in Boulder believe they have discovered that excessive use of oxygen can cause cancer.

The project began 8 years ago when Dr. Luke Mattheson noticed that many of his cancer patients had been using oxygen. Dr. Mattheson contacted some of his colleagues in the scientific community to pursue more research on the subject. As the scientists were able to obtain government funding, the research really began to build steam.

Scientists began by evaluating the medical histories of a select group of cancer patients in the Boulder area. They found that every single patient had been exposed to oxygen. Dr. Nick Desanto explains, "we were floored when we discovered this anomaly. In past studies, we have been able to find examples of chemicals that 5% of the patients had been around. Contrast this with oxygen, which was found to be present in 100% of the patients we reviewed and clearly we are on to something."

Upon discovering that 100% of the patients had been exposed to oxygen, the scientists then turned their attention to determining what other medical conditions might be related to oxygen use. The scientists discovered that every single medical condition reported in the history of the planet involved a patient that had been exposed to oxygen, thus leading scientists to the inescapable conclusion that oxygen is the root cause of everything bad.

Upon hearing of the findings, the White House unleashed a $18.3 billion proposal to eliminate this harmful chemical from our environment. President Bush stated, "we can not have this rogue chemical, what is it, oxeegin, continuing to cause harm to the American People. It is only a matter of time before the Terrorists utilize oxeegin in an attack on our people. I can not allow that."

Funds from the proposed grant are slated to be distributed to major oil companies, chemical plants, and logging companies. President Bush continued, "These industries have a long history of trying to protect the American People by eliminating the threat of oxeegin. It is time for us to turn to these great leaders of our country and let them do away with this harmful oxeegin once and for all."