83 Indicted in Monkey Porn Ring Bust

Updated: 8:14 p.m. PT May 3, 2005

DALLAS-Across the nation, 83 suspected animal pornographers were arrested as Federal authorities executed a nationwide operation aimed at clamping down on so called “Natural Porn.”

Federal officers served indictments in 19 states and placed 83 people in custody as part of today’s raid. Authorities were able to seize valuable computer records, video tapes, and phone lists that should generate new leads to assist in the ongoing animal porn investigation.

In New Mexico, raiding officers were able to catch one couple in the act of filming a Natural Porn video. The couple had forced two primates to engage in fellatio in front of a camera with the apparent intention of selling the footage online. It seems that arranging live animal sex acts was a frequent activity for the couple, as authorities found stacks and stacks of previously taped performances.

In a press conference, Officer Steve Belen said of the incident, “These twisted perverts had forced those poor animals to humiliate themselves, purely as entertainment. Fortunately, we were able to save the beasts and immediately halted the act. Apparently the male had been brainwashed into believing this was an important trick, as he continued to try putting his genitalia in the mouth of the female primate long after we had cuffed the owners. Truly this is a dark day for New Mexico.”

In a shocking revelation, 81 of the arrested were diehard PETA members. It seems that they had become so engrossed in the cause of animal rights that they were no longer able to become aroused at the thought of human sex. The defense is already working on a case centered on a medical condition currently being called “Human Visual Erectile Dysfunction.”

The prosecution quickly went to arms contending that this is a condition created solely for the defense case. Attorney Robert Pomanski said, “Human Visual Erectile Dysfunction is not a true ailment. We contend that the problem was not in getting aroused at human sex, it was getting aroused by the humans they were accustomed to hanging around. What normal person would get aroused at the thought of a dirty, hairy, smelly, peace loving hippy? If they smell like that standing next to you, what do you think it’s going to be like when their clothes are removed? This is clearly an excuse to validate their sick twisted love of nature.”

An unnamed fan of Natural Porn said that he felt this was another example of the government trying to legislate morality and that they should stick to important issues, “like saving the environment from those evil corporations man.” The pungent dread-head continued, “Natural Porn is like, natural; it’s like part of nature man. This isn’t manufactured; it’s something that the Mother Earth created for us man. The government can’t tell us not to use something from the Earth man.”

Authorities are expected to seek the maximum penalties available to send a message to other would be natural pornographers. The first of these cases is expected to hit the courtroom as early as July.